1. The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

2. I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying ‘toys not included’.

3. Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year.

4. One thing a woman doesn’t want to find in her stockings on Christmas morning is her husband.

5. You know you’re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.

6. Santa is the only man I’d allowed to keep his boots on in bed.

7. If you don’t have Christmas in your heart you’ll never find it under a tree.

8. I’ve decided to carry mistletoe in my pocket so all the people I don’t like can kiss my ass.

9. Christmas is just like working in an office, you do all the work and the fat guy in the suit takes all the credit.

10. Lets be naught and save Santa a long trip, Merry Christmas Santa.

11. Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money, your patience or your feet.

12. Christmas at my house is always more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early.

13. Excuse me, Can I get a Picture of You so that I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

14. Dear Santa, I’m writing to let you know that I’ve been naughty… and it was worth every minute.

15. If you’re not under my tree on Christmas morning, I’m going back to bed!

16. OH No, Christmas is cancelled! It’s all my fault, I told Santa you had been good this year and he died laughing.

17. There’s something not quite right about Christmas, at What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and happily eat candy out of your socks?

18. Last year for Christmas I asked Santa for the sexiest person in the whole world … I woke up in a box!

19. I’m writing my Christmas list…how do you spell your name?

20. When I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas, he blushed then gave me what I wanted. What’s a girl got to do to get on the naughty list?